There’s a moment in every horror movie which the villain/ghoul/serial killer reveals their true self, usually by whipping out a bloody knife, or a sinister grin.
The victim is left reeling in a ‘How could I not have realised’ panic and ends up super dead. If you’ve seen Rachel McAdams’ confused attempt to break free from the romantic comedy genre- ‘Red Eye’, there’s a point where she realises the guy next to her is a man intent on her murder. Unable to escape- due to the fact she is stuck on a plane with the dude – she fights to remain alive, which to be honest, sounds like a few of the flights I’ve taken to Europe this year.
A few months ago, I found myself on date in a bar and, well, let’s just say the conversation was like running out of butter for your vegemite toast; dry and unpalatable at best, choking and insufferable at worst. On one level, I was happy to be out of the house and have eyeliner on, on another level, I was willing to pull the pin on a (conversational) grenade and escape in a dust cloud. It went a bit like this:
Me, never one to beat around the bush: “So, uh do you consider yourself a feminist?”
Him: “I mean, I wouldn’t call myself a feminist.”
Me, doing honour to my suffragette sisters: “So, like, you don’t believe men and women are equal?”
Him: “I do, but, like men and women should play different roles. Women are more nurturing. Men are better leaders.”
Me, seizing from full body cringe: “I see. LOOK AT THE TIME. DEAREST GOD, I MUST DEPART IMMEDIATELY”
Him: “It’s 7:30..”
Call it the reckoning. The realisation. The dating equivalent of when you realise you’re stuck next to someone with murder on the mind. The nice guy you’re slurping a pale ale with in an impossibly dark bar is now brandishing a bleeding chainsaw or well-worn croquet mallet.
Other bloody mallets include:
“Oh, I’m going to see Milo Yiannopoulos when he’s here”
Run dear girl and don’t look back.
“ I think men and women are equal, but men should have the last say in a marriage”
The Christian version of saying ‘Make me a sammich, woman’. I find that wielding a crucifix and dousing them with holy water- gin works too – is the solution here.
“ My ex was crazy” or “You’re not like most girls”
Surely we’re past bashing other women by now. If your date has only bad things to say about other women, then roll on out, throw some glitter in the air and scream “I AM LIKE OTHER WOMEN” – I guarantee it will be a better night than finishing your drink with Mr Boo-hoo woman basher.
Dating is hard. And there are men out there who not just proudly call themselves feminists but advocate for women on a daily basis. Which is to say, don’t sit through a date with a man who doesn’t consider you an equal. Don’t give men like this the time of day. There’s a lot of beautiful, tasty fish in the sea- Don’t go swimming full-pelt into the mouth of Jaws.
For the record, I called that date off real fast. I don’t have a nurturing bone in my body. I am, however, a great leader.